On Lonliness
During the early summertime I found myself wearing lolita less and less. It wasn't because of the heat, or the humidity, or even not having enough time! I just didn't want to wear anything that made me feel myself. It felt almost like the moment Alice had waking in Wonderland;
"I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir. Because I am not myself, you see?"
Recently I had a friend point out what a difference I seem to have this last month compared to the summer, that I was finding time to wear the fashion whenever I could and was going back out again. It made me wonder, what changed?
I believe sometimes we overthink this style. It's always a performance, a constant need to improve or be different than everyone else who wears weird clothes. In the end that's all it is- funny clothes for funny creatives, just like any alternative subculture. I've seen many come and go, met amazing friends who have since grown out of the want for frilly dresses and obstructive silhouettes, or those who become indifferent and hold onto a few items out of nostalgia while finding new ways to express themselves.
I think for me, I associate this style with self-love. During what I consider my most comfortable time, I was fully in love with my own company! I went to tea alone, new restaurants during midday when many others would be working, saw movies or would spend afternoons in empty parks and gardens. All while dressed up, feeling that being with myself was an event worth celebrating! I never felt lonely, I had me. I had no one to impress, no one who wanted to coordinate together or be themed for our destination, no other schedule to work around. I was fully and entirely comfortable being myself and taking up space wherever I went; I even used to travel to a new city all alone just to experience it on my own time and pace.
Somehow in the last two years that comfort left me. Maybe it was all the big changes; moved to a new city, started a new job, met new people and lost old ones. But I didn't feel like doing things by myself was worth it most days. I had to have company, or I had to justify being happy or having fun. Expressing myself felt like a chore, so lolita got metaphorically and literally hung up, along with so many other hobbies and interests of mine. I wasn't myself, and I wasn't making any effort to be myself.
I've been wearing it more again because I've started snuggling back into that mentality I missed so much. I'm going to tea with nothing but a book, catching the train north just to be in a different city for a weekend, and going to gardens to enjoy the blooms in comfortable silence.
To celebrate this feeling, I recently traveled to a little town I'd never been before just to try a cafe someone suggested to me that had those dramatic honey toasts! Of course had to get a rose milk tea to wash it down with, and tried a little lychee raspberry cheesecake with berries ♡
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